The Love Island 2019 Match Report: Episode 3

Hello again and welcome to Match Report #3. It is what it is! It is what it isn’t!

This is our new catchphrase, readers. Every morning I’ll shout ‘It is what it is!’ and you reply It is what it isn't! It will be so much fun.

After EP2’s recoupling saw Joe and Anton subbed for Tommy and Curtis, EP3 saw the fallout from what is a fundamental part of the reality TV show ‘Love Island’, where contestants are in competition with each other for partners, popularity and prizes. I do not think Joe was told this upon entry. Joe seems to think he was on Immediate Girlfriend Peninsula, a show where you meet somebody on the first day and start planning your futures together. As every single Islander pointed out in turn that Tommy was just following his gut, doing what he had to do, part of the game etc. Joe looked ever more likely to ruin his chance of winning the competition by sulking on Day 2. Every Islander told Joe this apart from Anna, Yewande and Michael of course who do not exist and were actually a figment of the public’s national imagination. Meanwhile I think I can safely say that Curtis and Amy are the new favourites.

The two new couples followed their guts out to the car park for dates with their new partners, while Joe looked how I did on the last day of the Premier League season back when I watched anything other than this show. Cheated, forlorn and close to tears, Joe uttered the immortal line it is what it is and sat on his own. Mystic Guru Sherif told everyone to leave him alone in a wisdom beyond his 20 years.

Within the rules of the game, Tommy did nothing wrong. Lucie especially did nothing wrong seeing as the girls have been given very little agency to make any decisions as of yet. They had a sad looking dinner, complete with awful champagne flutes, and exchanged their job titles in a mildly flirtatious way. We saw a different side to Lucie. She is a surfer and a model. Tommy is still a boxer. Also, he is not that type of guy. Not that type of guy. Whatever type of guy that is, that’s what he’s not.

This is my first attempt at a meme. Please go easy on it.

However, what Tommy did do wrong is swear on his mother’s life to Amber that it was 50/50 between Lucie and herself the next day and then almost immediately and consistently reneged on that. If I were his mother I would be furious.

Anyway, Joe and Anton are now single. There will be a recoupling at the end of the week and the remaining Islanders will be dumped. This is a red card to those of you following our long and drawn out football metaphor.

Lucie did the honourable thing and became possibly the earliest sofa-sleeper in Love Island history, while the producers showed us black-and-white stills of Tommy and Joe looking like they’d received some terrible news.

A special mention for the horrendous duvets on this year’s Love Island. That weird neon pink trim makes them look like they’re inside-out, which makes me feel itchy.

The following day saw a myriad of assists for our stats collector Dr. Tim to award. Amy reassured Lucie throughout the day, Guru Sherif reasserted to Joe that it is what it is, while Curtis did his very best to get some screen time by being present for every scene in which advice might be given. He spoke with Lucie in the shower and then, seemingly a moment later and one room away, told Tommy that “you can never truly love someone unless you’re true to yourself”. Despite this being a sound piece of advice, isn’t this all just a bit much for Day 3?

Apparently not, say both Joe and Tommy, as they took it in turns throughout the day to push Lucie further and further away. Joe via a sulk, complete with mirrored sunglasses so Lucie could see just how guilty she looked in his reflection, and Tommy via a series of quite unsettling proposals of undying affection. This is not exactly Shakespeare. Joe made it patently clear that he did not want to tell Lucie what to do, but he was more than happy to stare her out until she did what he wanted her to do. Manipulative alarm bells rang for Amy, who said it all better than I ever could in her heart-to-heart with Lucie on the balcony.

We like Amy.

Meanwhile, Sherif wanted confirmation from Anna that if a boy were to come into the villa whom actually put some effort in with her and was better looking and had better traits than him, would she recouple. It was at this point, I think, that Anna realised that Sherif is 20 and she 28. Her unbridled confusion as to what he wanted her to say was refreshing, as she explicitly said yes of course. Sherif re-asked for confirmation a few more times, hoping for a different outcome, but alas their first real scene together ended in cringe.

As the night drew in, and Tommy Fury promised the moon to Lucie after Amber could not bring herself to look excited and grateful that she is consistently his second-choice and back-up plan, we were given a sneak peak at the incoming Islander. Molly-Mae is a social influencer. It is unclear if that is her job, or what the producers have told her to do once she’s inside, but it looks like she’ll certainly be influencing that society.